7 years ago today, a man I loved deeply started the end-of-life process.

Every year since, this day has been so rough, along with tomorrow and the next day when his life finally ended. And still, every year, I struggle to get through these 3 days in a healthy way, and it hasn’t happened yet. In the year after he died, the day after I placed his ashes in his grave with his family, I ended up drunk on the beach in Galveston the very next day. Last year, I ended up completely blitzed in Tahiti, bawling my eyes out by the pool. I’ve struggled to put myself back together and I couldn’t have done it without people to love me through it. This year is the first time I feel like I can say, “I’m okay” about these three days. I still have a bottle of champagne cooling in the fridge right now, but this is the first time that I haven’t been swallowed up by the few weeks leading up to this day where I end up smashing the entire bottle in one night without realizing it. I still think of him every day and sometimes I still talk to him like he’s right here.

Lounging chairs in the pool at night.
The site of last year’s drunken mess in Tahiti, 2023. I sat in that chair crying and singing to myself until the pool closed and someone had to escort me to my room.

I always thought it was a little cliché the saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all,” but damn it if I don’t feel it in my soul now how true that can be.

It was so hard to move forward after working toward a life goal with someone. I’m getting tired of starting over again and again. I had no idea what I was going to do after he died and I still don’t really know what do with myself. But it’s a blessing to be able to have one dream come true that I never imagined – seeing the world. Clint fed my travel bug and surprised me with my first trip to Hawaii. He made me believe I could actually see the world because I had never been that far. That is one thing that kept me going – travel. My sisters spiritually carried me on a trip to Paris a few months after his death, a dream he had always wanted to make come true for me. Then two years later, I was able to take myself on my first solo trip to Los Angeles and promptly cried upon arrival and called my mama because I didn’t feel like I deserved to be there and have fun by myself. It’s been hard work overcoming feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness and finding motivation to press onward.

Two and a half months after he died, I ended up on my first trip abroad to Paris, thanks to my sisters. And even though I had come down with a horrible case of pneumonia in the weeks leading up to it, it was New Year’s Eve and it was the perfect distraction in a devastating wave of grief. Thank God for sisters. Here we are drinking vin chaud (hot wine) at Place de la Concorde.

It took me a long time to accept that this was just the way his story was supposed to go. I will always be grateful for knowing him and loving him. He was supposed to happen to my life and I wouldn’t be who I am today without having known and loved him. If I could go back and not fall in love with him to avoid this pain, I’d still do it all over again because it was worth the experience, just as that cliché says. It was worth it. I’m trying hard to embrace life as it comes at me and not put so much pressure on making it into some thing that I think everyone believes it’s supposed to be. I want to be able to accept that perhaps this is just the way my story is supposed to go right now and learn to enjoy it and appreciate it for all the ways it can change me and grow me.

Our first day ever in Hawaii with a view overlooking Lanikai Beach in Kailua. O’ahu, Hawaii.

Everyone’s bucket list is always growing, but for the past couple years, mine has been getting checked off. I mean, Tahiti, right?! It’s funny how it can seem like we have the world on a string to everyone else, but we can still carry a heavy pain in our hearts that no one can see. I’ve come a long way and worked hard to heal, and it’s still an uphill battle to keep going. I struggle with feeling like I don’t deserve to have this life and to enjoy the things that I am given the opportunity to experience. I don’t know why it happens to me but I must learn to live life to the fullest so that maybe others can see why it’s important to try to keep going. The one quotation that got me through was shared with me by a former customer of mine and Clint’s.

When you’re going through hell,
keep going.

Winston Churchill

So, watch me as I embrace the world and try to share as much of it as I can with anyone who cares to see. Maybe I’ll even include a little piece of me here and there and leave a little piece of me wherever I may roam. My lesson lately is that compassion begins with the self. Perhaps I can learn to love myself along the way. After all, I haven’t rebuilt these past seven years for nothing, right? Surely there is more good to be made from all of this that can be shared with the world, right? So, I will leave you with a lyrical gem from rock band Eve 6.

Here’s to the nights we felt alive.
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry.
Here’s to goodbye.
Tomorrow’s come and gone too soon.

Eve 6

Don’t let life pass you by. Go out and make the world around you brighter wherever you are. You don’t have to see the world and the world doesn’t have to see you. But you can always shine so bright anyway because someone will always see you even if you don’t see them. You might as well enjoy that moment for yourself and shine as brightly as you can and only hope that someday, others can feel inspired to shine brightly in their own way. Here’s to making it count.